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4.03.2012
3.11.2012
Twilight
What can a person aspire to- if he cannot trust his mind? With so much at stake, opportunities become foggy, ideas become mere ideas.
Ambition is nothing if nature objects. The most opportune moments echo failure, not for lack of will, but inability. How can this be overcome? When can I decide to risk my own word and jump at an idea?
How crippled am I? Is it in my mind?
11.19.2011
Argument
I often engage in argument for its own sake- not to be contrary, but more "for sport" or to enjoy the critical thinking it requires. It asks to orbit the subject on all sides
This kind of mutually entertaining argument cooperates with a few understood standards
perhaps I presume those who argue with me are up to the same challenge
7.02.2011
of life and death
when you die-
when your conscious frame is bare,
what will become of this?
all the tastes,
familiar textures,
the slight din of silence
the cool rain,
a pebble's weight and shape,
any and all-
you will not remember it.
it will all be sent away
left behind
it will triangle down the horizon
to a point you'll never see again
no voice will echo in your thoughts,
the colors and disposition of life-
will it not all fade as a steam
and be considered no more?
death is its own. resolute and final.
the transaction begs no introduction.
what has been will be no longer.
what, then, of life?
does it concern itself with death?
life goes about its duty
of forgetting death,
cheating and mocking the grave.
there is no reverence in the halls of young men
life is but an endless avenue
of gain and waste, gain and waste
when your conscious frame is bare,
what will become of this?
all the tastes,
familiar textures,
the slight din of silence
the cool rain,
a pebble's weight and shape,
any and all-
you will not remember it.
it will all be sent away
left behind
it will triangle down the horizon
to a point you'll never see again
no voice will echo in your thoughts,
the colors and disposition of life-
will it not all fade as a steam
and be considered no more?
death is its own. resolute and final.
the transaction begs no introduction.
what has been will be no longer.
what, then, of life?
does it concern itself with death?
life goes about its duty
of forgetting death,
cheating and mocking the grave.
there is no reverence in the halls of young men
life is but an endless avenue
of gain and waste, gain and waste
when you die-
when your conscious frame is bare,
what will become of this?
all the tastes,
familiar textures,
the slight din of silence
the cool rain,
a pebble's weight and shape,
any and all-
you will not remember it.
it will all be sent away
left behind
it will triangle down the horizon
to a point you'll never see again
no voice will echo in your thoughts,
the colors and disposition of life-
will it not all fade as a steam
and be considered no more?
death is its own. resolute and final.
the transaction begs no introduction.
what has been will be no longer.
what, then, of life?
does it concern itself with death?
life goes about its duty
of forgetting death,
cheating and mocking the grave.
there is no reverence in the halls of young men
life is but an endless avenue
of gain and waste, gain and waste
when your conscious frame is bare,
what will become of this?
all the tastes,
familiar textures,
the slight din of silence
the cool rain,
a pebble's weight and shape,
any and all-
you will not remember it.
it will all be sent away
left behind
it will triangle down the horizon
to a point you'll never see again
no voice will echo in your thoughts,
the colors and disposition of life-
will it not all fade as a steam
and be considered no more?
death is its own. resolute and final.
the transaction begs no introduction.
what has been will be no longer.
what, then, of life?
does it concern itself with death?
life goes about its duty
of forgetting death,
cheating and mocking the grave.
there is no reverence in the halls of young men
life is but an endless avenue
of gain and waste, gain and waste
6.10.2011
the church, on culture
tight perspectives
woven often by a reinforced sense of self-preservation in the face of pressure
responses to things like addiction, lifestyle choices, heresy in ways that are black and white with no reasons, and with no attempt to understand the alternative mindset and how to assist in some way. abstaining from a fellow human who you believe is in trouble... that's cowardly and irresponsible. we have the answer. or do we? if we're not willing to share it as the answer, then maybe we don't have the answer, we merely believe in the idea of the answer. internalizing practical truth is crucial to engaging the world correctly.
a warning for the church, not a blanket classification.
woven often by a reinforced sense of self-preservation in the face of pressure
responses to things like addiction, lifestyle choices, heresy in ways that are black and white with no reasons, and with no attempt to understand the alternative mindset and how to assist in some way. abstaining from a fellow human who you believe is in trouble... that's cowardly and irresponsible. we have the answer. or do we? if we're not willing to share it as the answer, then maybe we don't have the answer, we merely believe in the idea of the answer. internalizing practical truth is crucial to engaging the world correctly.
a warning for the church, not a blanket classification.
5.29.2011
x and y
Our generation is spread so thin.
Yes, we can touch whatever we want whenever we want it. We know so many people, we have so many interests. Limitless connection, endless advancement. So many beautiful things.
Competing things. Each area of interest is a flurry of individuals vying for attention. There may be more opportunity in this internet-driven time, but any real opportunity is taken up quickly by the best of the best. The rest of us are faced with the realization of globalization's ruthlessness. It's like we're boiled down to thousands of beads, each auditioning to be a pearl.
Even if this isn't true - if opportunities are only as diverse as the needs that are also springing up - we're still left with endless directions to head. Most of us are nearly forced (maybe by our own instincts for self-preservation) to dive into multiple areas of interest at once, following the latest and best, hoping to reflect it all in a way that would make us feel more complete. We become a collage of lifestyles, continuous adaptive suck-ups, if you will - we seem to observe people we admire and imitate what they imitate. Those who follow are getting as much credit as those who lead. How interesting.
Something else that bothers me about our day - the decline of the event. I feel as if we've become so continuous in our communications, so satisfied in our contact, that seeing one another is not as monumental of an occurrence. A friend's personality can still be felt through a text, and we get a small sense of what it's like being with them in person. Over time, this may compound and translate eventually into a casual meeting after years of actual separation, instead of a huge party celebrating a reunion. Perhaps this is best, I don't know. But it seems unsettling to me, that we compensate for physical presence and attention with virtual snapshots. We might be becoming lazy, spoiled. I've had a small fear in the back of my mind for a while - that we might be depending too much on technology to define our relationships and livelihoods. It's a great supplement, but I fear it may threaten replacement.
Yes, we can touch whatever we want whenever we want it. We know so many people, we have so many interests. Limitless connection, endless advancement. So many beautiful things.
Competing things. Each area of interest is a flurry of individuals vying for attention. There may be more opportunity in this internet-driven time, but any real opportunity is taken up quickly by the best of the best. The rest of us are faced with the realization of globalization's ruthlessness. It's like we're boiled down to thousands of beads, each auditioning to be a pearl.
Even if this isn't true - if opportunities are only as diverse as the needs that are also springing up - we're still left with endless directions to head. Most of us are nearly forced (maybe by our own instincts for self-preservation) to dive into multiple areas of interest at once, following the latest and best, hoping to reflect it all in a way that would make us feel more complete. We become a collage of lifestyles, continuous adaptive suck-ups, if you will - we seem to observe people we admire and imitate what they imitate. Those who follow are getting as much credit as those who lead. How interesting.
Something else that bothers me about our day - the decline of the event. I feel as if we've become so continuous in our communications, so satisfied in our contact, that seeing one another is not as monumental of an occurrence. A friend's personality can still be felt through a text, and we get a small sense of what it's like being with them in person. Over time, this may compound and translate eventually into a casual meeting after years of actual separation, instead of a huge party celebrating a reunion. Perhaps this is best, I don't know. But it seems unsettling to me, that we compensate for physical presence and attention with virtual snapshots. We might be becoming lazy, spoiled. I've had a small fear in the back of my mind for a while - that we might be depending too much on technology to define our relationships and livelihoods. It's a great supplement, but I fear it may threaten replacement.
5.26.2011
Beauty
I have come to realize that what a person perceives as beautiful reminds them of what they value.
Fresh, bold colors in a painting mean life, happiness, flavor. Slow music brings back fond memories. Wide eyes convey alertness, sensitivity, pity.
Beauty may be too narrow a word. Although it stands alone, it brings out the most fundamental concerns of man.
This world has become viscerally addicted to beauty. And yet, we don't understand why we like it.
5.22.2011
Ownership
My family has been talking a lot about procedures, property, and time management these days, with my grandparents on both sides nearing the ends of their lives. Wills, deeds, insurance policies...
I'm at the other end - I have all to gain and nothing to lose. Traveling up to my relatives', I see nice houses, simple houses, trailer parks, farms..., and I wonder what ownership feels like. The disparity between income levels also baffles me: what will be my cap income and will I be content with that? I say I want to live in the city, but that would eat up a decent salary pretty quickly.
What will it be like to own my own land? I would probably waste good money to get a pool or something I wouldn't use very often... but I've always been that way: I remember wondering why people didn't make parking lots into skate parks or basketball courts. I've always seen the potential in things, but failed to consider the costs involved. It'll probably come back to bite me someday.
My main concern right now is getting a job. Temporary, part-time, anything that will pay the bills for me to stay here and get enough experience to get a longer-term job. With one month left before my parents ship off to Brazil, I'm starting to get antsy. I'm considering starting up a small business building websites for churches. Not sure how, but I'll pray about it and ask some friends if they would consider joining me. Freelancing is risky, but I'm getting the feeling that the demand could be high.
I'm at the other end - I have all to gain and nothing to lose. Traveling up to my relatives', I see nice houses, simple houses, trailer parks, farms..., and I wonder what ownership feels like. The disparity between income levels also baffles me: what will be my cap income and will I be content with that? I say I want to live in the city, but that would eat up a decent salary pretty quickly.
What will it be like to own my own land? I would probably waste good money to get a pool or something I wouldn't use very often... but I've always been that way: I remember wondering why people didn't make parking lots into skate parks or basketball courts. I've always seen the potential in things, but failed to consider the costs involved. It'll probably come back to bite me someday.
My main concern right now is getting a job. Temporary, part-time, anything that will pay the bills for me to stay here and get enough experience to get a longer-term job. With one month left before my parents ship off to Brazil, I'm starting to get antsy. I'm considering starting up a small business building websites for churches. Not sure how, but I'll pray about it and ask some friends if they would consider joining me. Freelancing is risky, but I'm getting the feeling that the demand could be high.
5.19.2011
The times, they are a-changin'
I just realized yesterday that I haven't been in a relationship for two years.
It startled me, but I think it's a good thing. Every person needs a sense of belonging, something I've been struggling with a lot... but bringing someone else into that struggle to fill it out is not the answer.
I've come to realize that I should be solidifying my motives instead of attaching to another's just yet. I have a tendency to run head-on in "love" at someone for the sake of a few details I wish I had in myself. A couple years ago, a girl I knew well told me God had led her to a point where she was content with being single. I was completely amazed and thought I would never reach that level of maturity, self-sufficiency. Whatever it is, it looks like I'm getting to that point.
From the outside, it probably seems like such a trivial thing. But I'm a poet, I live for feelings. Half of me feels defeated, like my longing for love is being outgrown by a mellow acceptance of loneliness. It's probably the recent circumstances of transition, an internal badgering for independence. I'm trying to figure myself out for now - where I belong, what I truly enjoy.
But the pit of me will always want to love someone.
It startled me, but I think it's a good thing. Every person needs a sense of belonging, something I've been struggling with a lot... but bringing someone else into that struggle to fill it out is not the answer.
I've come to realize that I should be solidifying my motives instead of attaching to another's just yet. I have a tendency to run head-on in "love" at someone for the sake of a few details I wish I had in myself. A couple years ago, a girl I knew well told me God had led her to a point where she was content with being single. I was completely amazed and thought I would never reach that level of maturity, self-sufficiency. Whatever it is, it looks like I'm getting to that point.
From the outside, it probably seems like such a trivial thing. But I'm a poet, I live for feelings. Half of me feels defeated, like my longing for love is being outgrown by a mellow acceptance of loneliness. It's probably the recent circumstances of transition, an internal badgering for independence. I'm trying to figure myself out for now - where I belong, what I truly enjoy.
But the pit of me will always want to love someone.
5.17.2011
Intro
This page is a place where I vocalize my imperfect thoughts and reflect on the subtleties of life. I foresee that it will take a similar trajectory as my poetry blog, but in a more candid, descriptive way. I hope you can relate to what I have to say. Feel free to comment within the boundaries of courteous common sense.
How ironic, it's actually raining as I type this.
How ironic, it's actually raining as I type this.
5.05.2011
ocean
there is a love that can be touched
but only as in the deepest part
of the quietest ocean.
it is a deep-soaking
infiltrating
permeating kind of love
impartial and unexplained.
it whelms the whole person,
unabated by any peculiarities.
engulfing the soul in a foamy wash.
so gentle and unmoved
as it fingers within and without
yet as heavily spread
as tar to seal away an underworld of grief.
but only as in the deepest part
of the quietest ocean.
it is a deep-soaking
infiltrating
permeating kind of love
impartial and unexplained.
it whelms the whole person,
unabated by any peculiarities.
engulfing the soul in a foamy wash.
so gentle and unmoved
as it fingers within and without
yet as heavily spread
as tar to seal away an underworld of grief.
Psalm
God, I am in deep.
help.
I can't get out.
I've tried.
I am a self-inflicted victim of sin.
that grace so free and powerful--
can it be?
my sin is too steep,
my heart too hardened by the
consequences of this flaw.
the world is constantly evil,
turns to dust in my mouth.
where is the end?
its pattern becomes mine,
its folly my wisdom.
where is the end?
there is nowhere to go.
God, be my refuge.
my sin pursues me,
it chases me all day long.
I am never safe.
Shepherd, save me
from the wolves surrounding.
I miss your words.
your whispering is better than life.
undo my heart of knots.
teach me the straight way again.
fill my gaping hole,
remove my basest traits,
restore me to your worship.
help.
I can't get out.
I've tried.
I am a self-inflicted victim of sin.
that grace so free and powerful--
can it be?
my sin is too steep,
my heart too hardened by the
consequences of this flaw.
the world is constantly evil,
turns to dust in my mouth.
where is the end?
its pattern becomes mine,
its folly my wisdom.
where is the end?
there is nowhere to go.
God, be my refuge.
my sin pursues me,
it chases me all day long.
I am never safe.
Shepherd, save me
from the wolves surrounding.
I miss your words.
your whispering is better than life.
undo my heart of knots.
teach me the straight way again.
fill my gaping hole,
remove my basest traits,
restore me to your worship.
11.26.2010
something
you laughed and danced
then said it was nothing.
the smiles for hours-
must have been nothing.
this heart on fire
put out to nothing.
just like that.
oh well. it was nothing.
then said it was nothing.
the smiles for hours-
must have been nothing.
this heart on fire
put out to nothing.
just like that.
oh well. it was nothing.
8.26.2010
Crossroads
I don’t even want you
I’ve forgotten the warmth
It’s flown, and I am here. Alone.
And my own plans go up and down
As you watch
You see me
You see me
You know me
And I just keep on walking
Then I glance back
Then I glance back
Something made me
You made me glance
So I look and there you are
With all the same forgiveness as ever
All the same love as ever
Half grinning for me seeing you
Half crying for the cobblestone between us
And here I respond
Here I crumble in your arms
Here I crumble in your arms
Here I keep on walking
8.08.2010
Fountain
I have allowed to my former master:
Skirted his courts, looked inside.
Pledged never to enter, but found myself caught.
Now, leaving, I fear he has ambushed my mind,
Hollowed my soul.
Stumbling and reeling on my own two feet
I remember the Other, more compassionate One,
Whose pure Fountain had washed the old life away.
Stubborn and twisted, unforgivable, I remember.
Though I pant for cool water from my sweet Master's cup
To purge my heart and quench my shame,
My feet take me around to where the contrast is less
So my impurities won't muddy His pure Fountain.
I peer in at the depth -and the height- of All Love
Exclaim in my soul how I'd long to be free,
Denying the hope that He'd love me once more,
And go on my way with a sad aftertaste.
Under a rock, in the rain of my tears,
I hear a voice, strong but concerned,
Calling me out, claiming the Fountain,
Its power to save.
I answer, objecting; citing my filth.
Saying nothing -no-one- could cleanse me and live
My filth would ruin, destroy, and disease.
The Fount, pure as diamonds, would stain and grow stale.
My Master replied, all wisdom and grace:
"Son, return to your Master, and he will clean you.
His Fount he would stain, so that you can be free.
Drink of the Fountain, taste until you are full.
I am jealous for you, that you might live."
Skirted his courts, looked inside.
Pledged never to enter, but found myself caught.
Now, leaving, I fear he has ambushed my mind,
Hollowed my soul.
Stumbling and reeling on my own two feet
I remember the Other, more compassionate One,
Whose pure Fountain had washed the old life away.
Stubborn and twisted, unforgivable, I remember.
Though I pant for cool water from my sweet Master's cup
To purge my heart and quench my shame,
My feet take me around to where the contrast is less
So my impurities won't muddy His pure Fountain.
I peer in at the depth -and the height- of All Love
Exclaim in my soul how I'd long to be free,
Denying the hope that He'd love me once more,
And go on my way with a sad aftertaste.
Under a rock, in the rain of my tears,
I hear a voice, strong but concerned,
Calling me out, claiming the Fountain,
Its power to save.
I answer, objecting; citing my filth.
Saying nothing -no-one- could cleanse me and live
My filth would ruin, destroy, and disease.
The Fount, pure as diamonds, would stain and grow stale.
My Master replied, all wisdom and grace:
"Son, return to your Master, and he will clean you.
His Fount he would stain, so that you can be free.
Drink of the Fountain, taste until you are full.
I am jealous for you, that you might live."
8.01.2010
Fulcrum
The prayer of a righteous man avails much.
Then what, Lord, of mine?
I need a steady vigil to even know right from wrong.
What of my prayer?
Is it forgotten? Pushed aside?
Where's my prayer, Father?
Has it risen to your ears,
Or did it die upon release,
Crumble in my hands?
You see, that prayer was my weakest;
My flesh can't afford much more,
And I want to make sure it got there
Without being put out on the way.
If my faith is what carries it,
Then it's sure to have fallen already.
If love was the messenger,
He, too, would trip along the way.
See, it's for these things the prayer was for,
And if it depends on them,
Then I'm shooting broken arrows
While aiming for the Sun.
4.28.2010
You're the agreeable type.
I know you like me
but that's just because you like everybody else.
I understand.
You're just a nice person.
You want to give everyone a chance.
But if you try to be best friends with everyone,
you won't really know anyone.
You've eased me into a meltdown
smiled me into an addictive disappointment.
I just feel sorry for you-
one to the next you're never alone
and never yourself.
I wish you could come out of that;
then you'd be real.
I'm holding out my hand.
I know you like me
but that's just because you like everybody else.
I understand.
You're just a nice person.
You want to give everyone a chance.
But if you try to be best friends with everyone,
you won't really know anyone.
You've eased me into a meltdown
smiled me into an addictive disappointment.
I just feel sorry for you-
one to the next you're never alone
and never yourself.
I wish you could come out of that;
then you'd be real.
I'm holding out my hand.
3.31.2010
ambitious coward
Sorry I'm so out of it
-running so hard just to get here-
now where am I again?
Boy, am I glad to see you.
Now that I'm here,
you seem to be different
-another look on your face-
I guess I imagined it differently
in the blur it took to get here.
Maybe it's not what I thought.
Maybe I should run back.
You wouldn't run with me
not with that look.
I guess I'll run back
start all over.
-running so hard just to get here-
now where am I again?
Boy, am I glad to see you.
Now that I'm here,
you seem to be different
-another look on your face-
I guess I imagined it differently
in the blur it took to get here.
Maybe it's not what I thought.
Maybe I should run back.
You wouldn't run with me
not with that look.
I guess I'll run back
start all over.
1.23.2010
porcelain
here, girl
I'm coming
coming to take your porcelain hands
are they open, are they free?
I'm scouring the deep
sailing the seas
to find the words to say
the words that just might do
because I'm on my way
finding things to make you smile
turning into a better man
the kind that hopes he's
gentle, strong, and pure enough
to take your porcelain hands
I'm coming
coming to take your porcelain hands
are they open, are they free?
I'm scouring the deep
sailing the seas
to find the words to say
the words that just might do
because I'm on my way
finding things to make you smile
turning into a better man
the kind that hopes he's
gentle, strong, and pure enough
to take your porcelain hands
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