Ownership

My family has been talking a lot about procedures, property, and time management these days, with my grandparents on both sides nearing the ends of their lives. Wills, deeds, insurance policies...

I'm at the other end - I have all to gain and nothing to lose. Traveling up to my relatives', I see nice houses, simple houses, trailer parks, farms..., and I wonder what ownership feels like. The disparity between income levels also baffles me: what will be my cap income and will I be content with that? I say I want to live in the city, but that would eat up a decent salary pretty quickly.

What will it be like to own my own land? I would probably waste good money to get a pool or something I wouldn't use very often... but I've always been that way: I remember wondering why people didn't make parking lots into skate parks or basketball courts. I've always seen the potential in things, but failed to consider the costs involved. It'll probably come back to bite me someday.

My main concern right now is getting a job. Temporary, part-time, anything that will pay the bills for me to stay here and get enough experience to get a longer-term job. With one month left before my parents ship off to Brazil, I'm starting to get antsy. I'm considering starting up a small business building websites for churches. Not sure how, but I'll pray about it and ask some friends if they would consider joining me. Freelancing is risky, but I'm getting the feeling that the demand could be high.

The times, they are a-changin'

I just realized yesterday that I haven't been in a relationship for two years.

It startled me, but I think it's a good thing. Every person needs a sense of belonging, something I've been struggling with a lot... but bringing someone else into that struggle to fill it out is not the answer.

I've come to realize that I should be solidifying my motives instead of attaching to another's just yet. I have a tendency to run head-on in "love" at someone for the sake of a few details I wish I had in myself. A couple years ago, a girl I knew well told me God had led her to a point where she was content with being single. I was completely amazed and thought I would never reach that level of maturity, self-sufficiency. Whatever it is, it looks like I'm getting to that point.

From the outside, it probably seems like such a trivial thing. But I'm a poet, I live for feelings. Half of me feels defeated, like my longing for love is being outgrown by a mellow acceptance of loneliness. It's probably the recent circumstances of transition, an internal badgering for independence. I'm trying to figure myself out for now - where I belong, what I truly enjoy.

But the pit of me will always want to love someone.

Intro

This page is a place where I vocalize my imperfect thoughts and reflect on the subtleties of life. I foresee that it will take a similar trajectory as my poetry blog, but in a more candid, descriptive way. I hope you can relate to what I have to say. Feel free to comment within the boundaries of courteous common sense.

How ironic, it's actually raining as I type this.

ocean

there is a love that can be touched
but only as in the deepest part
of the quietest ocean.


it is a deep-soaking
infiltrating
permeating kind of love
impartial and unexplained.


it whelms the whole person,
unabated by any peculiarities.
engulfing the soul in a foamy wash.


so gentle and unmoved
as it fingers within and without


yet as heavily spread
as tar to seal away an underworld of grief.

Psalm

God, I am in deep.
help.
I can't get out.
I've tried.
I am a self-inflicted victim of sin.

that grace so free and powerful--
can it be?
my sin is too steep,
my heart too hardened by the
consequences of this flaw.

the world is constantly evil,
turns to dust in my mouth.
where is the end?
its pattern becomes mine,
its folly my wisdom.
where is the end?

there is nowhere to go.
God, be my refuge.
my sin pursues me,
it chases me all day long.
I am never safe.

Shepherd, save me
from the wolves surrounding.
I miss your words.
your whispering is better than life.

undo my heart of knots.
teach me the straight way again.
fill my gaping hole,
remove my basest traits,
restore me to your worship.